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We fought for change and became the 1st Jamaican women’s football team to sign contracts with our federation. These contracts symbolize the respect we deserve and intend to receive. For this reason, I will not participate in any matches or training until the contract is fulfilled

Left: Former Telegraph parody from Private Eye 1503, published 23 August. Right: Former Telegraph columnist turned self-parody, 5 September. If you want to stay ahead of the news, subscribe to Private Eye!

We strongly condemn repression of religion in Cuba and call on the regime to release all prisoners held for their beliefs. Government officials responsible for such abuses will be held personally accountable.