Keaton Patti (@KeatonPatti )

Keaton Patti



Bio Ive written for @NewYorker, @TheOnion, @ComedyCentral, @McSweeneys, @FunnyOrDie, and perform at @UCBTNY. You may remember me from the previous sentence.
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Following 801
Account created 23-01-2012 20:19:35
ID 472301455


Android : Remember, every time an Attorney General resigns Americans get one (1) free order of crazy bread at participating Little Caesars.

Android : Me: I'll have the lamb.

Waiter: Great choice, sir.

Me: Oh, I never had a choice.

*the Concept of Predestination, which is sitting at the table next to me, gives the waiter a wink*

Waiter: THAT FUCKING CONCEPT NEVER TIPS!!!

*the rest of the restaurant is normal*